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TMCNet:  Greeley Tribune, Colo., Mike Peters column

[May 08, 2011]

Greeley Tribune, Colo., Mike Peters column

May 07, 2011 (Greeley Tribune - McClatchy-Tribune Information Services via COMTEX) -- OK, students, if you want to get out of this class and never have to take it again and go home for the summer and lay around the house and not have a job and drive your parents crazy and never clean your room and eat nothing but Ramen Noodles all day and play video games and make your mind go blank for three months and not have to think about anything and sleep in until noon and stay up until 2 a.m. staring at the TV and don't talk to your parents or your dumb brothers and sisters and keep texting your friends all day and night and watch nothing but Zombie movies because that's probably what you'll be when you grow up ... you need to pass this last test: GNARLY'S BIG END-OF-THE-YEAR TEST: 1. Did the Navy Seals REALLY shoot Osama bin Laden? A. Yes, of course. What reason would they have to lie? We have to learn to trust our government leaders.

B. No, of course not. Now the "Birthers" can become "Deathers," and start whining about the President about something else.

C. No. Bin Laden is living in La Salle and runs a nice quiet chicken ranch.

D. Who is bin Laden? And how can a seal even CARRY a gun with those slimy flippers? 2. Recently, there was an incident where a large flock of Great Blue Herons in north Greeley was frightened away by a city earth-moving project. Are you a HeronLover or a HeronHater? A. I think herons are beautiful creatures and it is up to mankind to protect them and their nests.

B. GREAT blue heron? What makes them so great? Is there also an Average Blue Heron? How about an Average, Everyday Blue Heron? C. I think the Great Blue Herons should be given a government grant and moved into a Great Blue Heron Retirement Community, where the City Hall Guys can't bother them.

D. I love Great Blue Herons. They taste like chicken.

3. Recently, The Tribune Big Boss Randy Bangert announced that the Trib was stopping reader comments on the website for a while. How do you feel about that? A. It's an infringement on our Freedom of Speech, and no matter how asinine, our comments MUST be allowed.

B. Just because many of the comments were childish, racist, used swear words, sometimes even attacked the victims of crime, made fun of tragic situations and repeated fabrications, is no reason to stop them.

C. I feel sorry for all those anonymous commenters who spend all day on the computer, hiding in their mother's basement.

D. I feel sorry for their mothers.

4. Recently the Gnarly Trombone made fun of School Board member Brett Reese because he missed so many meetings. A woman wrote to the paper demanding an apology. Should he apologize? A. Yes. No one should make fun of such a wonderful school board member as Brett Reese.

B. Who, exactly, should apologize? Reese or The Trombone? C. Yes, GT should apologize. The school board meetings seem to go much better when Reese is home pouting.

D. Gnarly Reese? Who's Gnarly Reese? 5. ESSAY QUESTION: Brett Reese, Osama bin Laden, Kermit the Frog, City Manager Roy Otto, Jo-Jo The Dog-faced Boy, President Barack Obama, Donald Trump, 42 Navy Seals and Mayor Tom Norton walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said ...

The name Gnarly Trombone was taken from an 1871 Cincinnati newspaper that misread Horace Greeley's handwritten name of the Greeley Tribune. Mike Peters is a Tribune staff writer. He may be emailed at

To see more of the Greeley Tribune, or to subscribe to the newspaper, go to Copyright (c) 2011, Greeley Tribune, Colo.

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